‘it is okay, we forgive you’

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April 04th 2021
0530 hours

The process of acknowledging that someone whom you’ve known, have seen since ever, have loved so dearly has been killed ruthlessly is obviously traumatic in many ways. It is sure to make anyone, however resilient, repeatedly live something that’s tough to even imagine.

Mata Chand Kaur ji’s Vichhoda (separation), essentially, is and will always be a shared loss of the entire Namdhari community and beyond. It is millions who share the burden of this profound loss; the helplessness of being unable to undo things, and the anger, of course – a lot of furiousness about all of this.

Mata Chand Kaur Ji (1932-2016) were on Her way to meet and to convey her best wishes to the students of the SPS academy in her home Sri Bhaini Sahib on their first day of the new academic year. It was on this very journey when she were made to breathe her last. It was the 4th day of April 2016. Exactly five years ago from today. 

Unfortunately, as a standard citizen, there is not a lot that can be done at an individual level. Except ‘doing Naam Simran – it has a lot of strength.’ No kidding, it really does. Just not all the time perhaps? Nevertheless, as a community and as a well-connected group, we silently marched on the streets of many cities like Ludhiana and of the national capital city Delhi. We wore badges on our Baana that had photos of Her and that read ‘we want justice’. We carried cloth bags that had ‘we want justice’ printed on them. We had a tough time being sensical. We wrote kavits and poems. We made web pages; penned articles; shared our stories; shared our photos with Her on our social media sites. Letters were written till the Prime minister’s office. Memorandums were handed over. Statements were given. It was horrible times and we sure had these absolutely vulnerable faces with an obvious sense of anger showing. We were, as it turns out, apparently naive enough to have thought that our ‘universal anger faces’ with lowered-furrowed eyebrows, thinned lips et cetera would be all that will eventually convert the accused into the convicted, and that everyone responsible will be imprisoned for life.

There are many thoughts. Like hey, death is truer than life itself. Also, from what my little brains understand, Gurbani quite clearly presents death as inevitable; the idea that one must learn to accept it more humbly – be it ours or of people that we think we cannot afford to let go. Death is bound to arrive, it says, and ultimately, it is all in the supreme creator’s will (Patshah ji’s Razaa). There is a sense of little conflict about this because correct me if I’m wrong here, this is not simply about Her vichhoda – it is the brutal actions that led to exactly that.

As much as I’d personally like at least those two not-so-gentlemen to be brought to the realization of what they did and also, pay for that in form of lawful arrest followed by judicial custody and/or rehabilitative imprisonment, I sometimes do ponder how tough it must already be for them. Living every day with the emotional baggage of gunning down an 84 years old woman in disguise of bowing down to seek Her blessings. Let us, for a moment, ignore in its entirety the fact that thousands of living persons will always refer to Her as Mataji – a mother. More often than not prefixing ‘Dhann’ (meaning: blessed) to her name. 

It’s hard to believe sometimes. The hardest part being the unfairness of the universe and how it sometimes functions. If we come to think about it, will the imprisonment of the true guilty be equivalent to ‘justice’? Would it quieten the anger of bereaved souls? Would it put at rest Mataji’s soul? 

Although I look forward to waking up one day and getting notified that people responsible for taking Her away from us all have shown up and have confessed their wrongdoing; and that they’re highly apologetic of what happened. They’re truly devastated about having to live with this trauma and that they now seek Her forgiveness through Her children and their Guru.

And then I think about us all. I wonder if we will be able to forgive them. Is it going to make us want to hit them on their heads or cry with them and perhaps say ‘it’s okay, we forgive you’ with our eyes for they decided to confess? Confessions are very powerful. In a world where trauma continues to live on through generations, it is uneasy to not find ourselves in messed-up situations. Most of us are dealing with unwanted experiences, unfulfilled aspirations, and unprecedented losses of our own. It is actually human to sometimes lose control of ourselves. No way to justify the crime and the harsh reality at all. But how will we react to the confessions if there were going to be any ever? This is quite an engaging thought process. This sounds utopian, indeed, the wrongdoers coming out of nowhere and surrendering one day. It sure brings me a sense of peace for some reason. Hope it will bring you some, too. We are together in this loss. 

Dhan Satguru Ji! Dhan Dhan Mata Chand Kaur Ji! 

Nihal Kaur